The Art of Intimacy by DR Laura Berman
Breaking up is hard to do
It’s been said that the saddest thing in the world is loving someone who used to love you. For those of us who’ve been left by loved ones for another person, the truth in these words is palpable. Divorces and breakups are hard enough to endure — but when infidelity is added to the equation, it seems impossible to move on, or ever love again.
While I could never hope to completely diminish the pain of those undergoing such heartbreak, I do have some helpful tips that can help you rebuild and restore your spirit.
1. Take time to grieve. When something precious is lost (and what is more precious than your marriage?), you must allow yourself time to grieve. The old adages about “moving on” and not “wasting your tears” just don’t apply. There’s no set time limit for when you should be “over” your ex. It might take days, weeks, even months. You may twinge every time you hear a certain song, or feel a catch in your throat whenever you smell a stranger wearing her brand of perfume. Give yourself the freedom to be sad without regret. There is no such thing as wasted tears — if you must cry, cry!
2. Get angry. Anger gets a bad rap in our society. But it’s an important part of the grieving process. You’ve been hurt by someone you loved deeply — and it’s perfectly natural to feel angry about it. Just don’t let your anger become something you can’t control, particularly if you have children. Avoid telling them negative things about your partner, or attempting any other form of revenge. Divorce is traumatizing enough for children; forcing them to pick a side only furthers the devastation. Instead, channel your anger into something positive. Join a kick-boxing class and take your anger out on a punching bag. Any form of aerobics is therapeutic as well. It’s been said that the only cure for grief is action — so get active! Lying around on the couch eating potato chips won’t make you feel any better.
3. Find a change of scenery. Sometimes the best way to get over heartbreak is a change of scenery. If it’s economically plausible, you might consider moving out of the house or apartment you and your partner shared. Getting away from the memories tied to your home could be therapeutic for some people — but if you have children, a move might further upset them. If this is the case, try taking an extended vacation to a locale you’ve always wanted to visit. Go alone, or bring a good friend along. Removing yourself from the situation can do wonders for your peace of mind. If a vacation is not possible at the moment, just try to change your usual routine. Take a different route to work, try new restaurants, and get out of the routine you shared with your partner. Embrace the possibilities outside your old relationship, even if that just means trying out that new Thai restaurant on the corner.
4. Embrace singlehood. Everyone has known or can imagine the pain of being single in a group of married friends. It’s hard to be the only unattached member of a group, particularly if your ex has already moved on. You may feel pressure to begin dating right away, or even to explain your single status. Resist these urges. Enjoy your solo time — maybe this means more time to devote to your hobbies, your family, or your career. Whatever the case, don’t feel you need to become attached again right away. When asked about your marital or dating status, don’t harp on the situation with your ex or give excuses for being alone. While saying “I’m single — and loving it!” might feel a little cheesy, there’s a good sentiment behind it. You really are complete on your own, without a partner — no explanations required.
5. Recognize when it’s time to move on. As the Byrds once sang, there is a season for all things –a time to mourn, and a time to feel joy. You’ve spent your time mourning, and now it’s time to feel joy again. For some, this might mean getting back in the dating pool. Tell your friends or family members you’re ready to date again, and ask if they know any good candidates. You might even create an online dating profile, such as on Yahoo! Personals. But remember, as you begin dating again, steer away from talk about your ex. Your date does not want to hear about your last breakup!
The most important thing to remember during this time is that you’re not alone. Nor are you doomed to a life of loneliness. Divorces and breakups are painful life lessons that we all must endure at one time or another, but there are so many other possibilities that await you. At the risk of sounding trite, there truly is someone for everyone. Give of yourself and spread positive energy throughout your life, and you’ll be rewarded with love and blessings in return.
