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What Men Want

Filed under: Communication, Love & Romance, Dating, Relationships, For Women

Posted Oct 1st 2008 2:10PM

by eHarmony Advice

While the old joke goes that what a man’s looking for in a woman is a pulse, in reality it’s far from true. Like women, men are on the search for very specific qualities and are likely to keep searching until they find them. Although what a man may want and desire of his partner may change during the years, here are some basics that should hold true over the generations.

1. Men Want Support
No one wants a sycophant, but a little support with his ideas and his problems can go a long way. If he’s taking it in the neck from his boss, let him know how you understand. If he’s certain that buying a ‘57 Chevy is ultimately going to be a sound investment, indulge him. The bottom line is, let him know you’re on his side, that you’re a team together against the world and all it can throw at you.

2. Men Want Admiration
A distant relative of Support, Admiration will make all his achievements seem a little more worthwhile. If he’s climbing the corporate ladder or scoring big with his softball team, let him know that your admiration runs deep and that you’re swelling with pride. Take an interest, understand the details, help him celebrate: the further he goes, the closer you’ll feel.

3. Men Want Humor
Not for nothing do the personals always list ‘GSOH’ (Good Sense of Humor) high on the list of qualities men are looking for in a woman. Poets have waxed lyrical about it (’The most wasted of all days is one without laughter’ – ee cummings), entertainers have hailed it, (’Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.’ - Victor Borge), and in difficult and good times alike, a couple that laughs together stays together.

4. Men Want Sociability
Just because two have become one it doesn’t mean that the one has to sequester itself from the world. Sure, a partner will become his main ‘hang’, his go-to girl, but he needs feedback from the rest of mankind, and you need to be able to rise to the occasion. He’ll want to show you off, admire you as you socialize with ease, know that he can throw you in any social situation – whether with friends, work colleagues or family - and you’ll at least try to go with it.

5. Men Want Freedom
He loves you, he wants to be with you, he needs you – but you’re not glued at the hip and he does have interests outside of the relationship. While a man knows his life with a partner will change forever, it doesn’t mean he has to give up everything he enjoyed about his pre-you life. Whether it’s a hobby or a passion, let him indulge himself … and look happy about it too. What makes him happy will ultimately make you happy.

What Men Want… Even More Than Sex

In stark contrast to every Cosmopolitan magazine cover ever printed, a major survey discovered that (news flash!) men do have relational priorities that rank higher than sex.

Could this actually be true?

A recently completed survey conducted by the International Journal of Sexual Medicine (published by Wiley-Blackwell) presented the results of phone interviews with nearly 28,000 men age 20-75 from the North America, South America, and several countries in Europe. The survey queried men’s attitudes regarding life and sex.

Researchers found that men’s perceptions of masculinity differed substantially from stereotypes in movies and literature. Men reported that being perceived as honorable, self-reliant, and respected by friends were important determinants of self-perceived masculinity. (For those of you old enough to remember John Wayne, this will be a major “Well duhhh.” Mel Gibson also played some roles that point to this truth, including The Patriot and Braveheart.)
In contrast, factors stereotypically associated with masculinity (being physically attractive, sexually active, and successful with women) were deemed to be less important to men’s sense of masculinity.

Before you jump to the conclusion that these findings are regional or that all 28,000 survey participants were senior citizen monks from the Bible Belt, the group was randomly selected from a group of men who previously agreed to participate in a survey regarding men’s health issues. The findings were consistent across all nationalities and all age groups studied. For you survey Gnostics, the researchers used a seven-point Likert scale to garner their answers (1 being “not at all important” to 7, “very important”).

Across the board, men said that their quality of life was determined by their good health, harmonious family life, and a good relationship with their wife/partner. These factors were significantly more important to their enjoyment of life than concerns such as having a good job, having a nice home, living life to the full, or even a satisfying sex life. According to the numbers, fully one-third of respondents said being in good health was the most important factor, followed by a harmonious family life (26 per cent) and being in a good relationship with their wife or partner (19 per cent). Just two per cent put a satisfying sex life as their top priority.

The researchers concluded that their survey results empirically challenge widely held stereotypes concerning masculinity, sex, and quality of life. “Taken together, this body of research underscores the centrality to men of nonsexual aspects of the male identity (and) emphasizes the importance of the couple relationship,” German researcher Michael Sand said.

Surprised? You shouldn’t be.

Hollywood and Madison Avenue often get men (or women) all wrong. (Aren’t all women just like the girls in “Sex and the City?”) The truth revealed about what men want will likely ring true for anyone in a successful long-term relationship. These are built and last because the relationship is the focus… not the sex.

Curiously, the study quantified these findings while studying a completely different topic: comparing how men with and free from erectile dysfunction perceive masculinity and their quality of life.

8 Signs You Are Dating The Wrong Person

Filed under: Breaking Up, Communication, Dating, Relationships

Posted Oct 2nd 2008 3:39PM

by eHarmony Advice

Is there a nagging voice inside you? Something telling you that maybe this person you’re spending time with isn’t the best person for you to be with? That there’s someone better? That your current relationship isn’t what you had dreamed for yourself? If so, then these are probably feelings you want to explore further. Here are eight signs that you are dating the wrong person.

1. You’re not Happy
This is a great place to start. Someone who is dating the right person consistently enjoys the relationship and feels a general sense of happiness. We’re not saying that they wouldn’t argue or be upset with their partner occasionally; even the healthiest couples do that. And we’re not saying that there wouldn’t be times when a person in a good relationship would get down or struggle emotionally at some level. But generally speaking, a person who is in the right relationship is going to be happy. So if you find yourself unhappy much of the time – and especially when you’re with your partner – then that’s a fairly clear sign that this may not be the best person for you.

2. You don’t feel good about yourself
In addition to feeling happy, a person in a good relationship usually has a positive self esteem. Sure, they will have doubts and insecurities, and they may even deal with some bigger questions about themselves. But the time they spend with their partner will make them feel better about themselves, not worse. In contrast, if your partner exacerbates your self doubts and undermines your confidence, then that’s a major red flag that this is not a good person for you to be in a relationship with. You want someone who affirms and celebrates the great things about you, not someone who wrecks your self confidence and torpedoes your every attempt at growth.

3.The people you trust urge you to get out
If the people you trust and are closest to feel that you’ve found a good catch and therefore encourage the relationship, that’s a good sign that you two may belong together. On the other hand, if the people who love you the most are begging you to get away from someone, then that person’s probably not the one for you. Of course, sometimes your friends and family may choose someone for you who isn’t a great match. In these cases, it’s not always wise to follow their advice. But if they are the people you trust the most and who know you best, and they are urging you to get out of your current relationship, then you owe it to yourself to give their advice a serious listen.

4. You find yourself constantly thinking about someone else
It’s not always the case that a person is wrong because of some sort of character flaw or personal defect. Sometimes, the problem is simply that the person isn’t someone else. If you are dating one person but secretly wishing you were with somebody else, then that’s a problem. It could be that it’s an ex you’re still carrying a torch for. Or maybe it’s someone else in your life you wish you could be with. Regardless, if you are constantly (or even frequently) wishing you were dating a different person, then that’s a sure-fire sign that your current relationship is not all it should be.

5. You find yourself denying facts you know to be true
This is the old “river in Egypt” problem-you’re swimming in “de Nile.” And it can happen to all of us. We know something is true, but we just can’t bring ourselves to see it or admit it. Maybe you don’t want to believe something negative about your partner, or you want to ignore the fact that all you two ever do is argue when you’re together. Whatever the actual issue, if you are working hard to deny facts about your relationship that you know to be true, then you are probably dating the wrong person.

6. The cons of staying together outweigh the pros
A cost-benefit analysis can be helpful in situations other than at the office. Sit down for a few minutes and write down the advantages of continuing to date the person you are with. Then list the disadvantages. When you compare the lists, you might determine that the reasons to stay together are more compelling than the reasons to break up. But if the opposite appears to be the case, then let logic be your guide and move on to someone else.

7. Your instincts are saying get out
As a general rule, voices inside you are there for a reason, and they ought to be listened to. Sometimes an inner voice may tell us that we’ve found our soul mate, or simply that we should continue to pursue a relationship until we discover how fulfilling it can be. But sometimes, something within us is whispering (or even screaming) that we’re dating the wrong person. If this is the case for you, then one of the worst things you can do is to ignore that voice. Give it free reign and let it direct you to the conclusion you may have already come to.

8. You already know the truth
It might be the case that at this point, you really don’t know whether you are dating the wrong person. If so, then you may want to continue the relationship for a while longer so you two can explore whether you should be together. Relationships often take time to achieve their full potential. But you may determine that you are dating someone you should definitely not be dating. If so, then you need to be brave enough to do what you need to do, and end the relationship.

Find someone who treats you like you need to be treated and makes you happy. Someone who makes you feel good about yourself, and whom the people you trust encourage you to be with. Someone who, when you are really honest with yourself, you know deserves to become that special person in your life. When you find that person, you won’t have to worry that you’re dating the wrong person.